“A box without hinges, key, or lid, yet golden treasure
inside is hid. - J.R.R. “ - Tolkien

As evening approached that night deep in the Peruvian Jungle, a knot began to form in my stomach…

I had a feeling something terrible was about to happen…

Two nights prior I’d drank my first cup of ayahuasca…

The experience was so intense, by the next day - I’d already forgotten most of what had happened…

Now, as the second ceremony was fast approaching - all of my deepest, darkest fears began rushing to the surface…

What if I get attacked by evil spirits, I thought? Or fed upon by psychedelic snakes…What if I never come back from this?

The fears were unlike anything I’d ever known as an adult…All the while they were joined by existential questions like who and what am I? Do I even exist? What's really going on here?

I thought to myself I’ve really gone too far this time, this is way more than I can handle! Talk about a meltdown - sheesh!

Every part of me wanted to run far away from here and get back to something that felt remotely normal…

Yet at the same time, I’d committed to seeing this through to the end no matter what, and I’d flown half way across the world to do it.

I bargained with myself - ‘just one more night, and if you don’t want to do the third ceremony on friday, you don’t have to…But let's just get through this’

Just. one. more. Night.

As we entered the wooden Maloka for the ceremony and took our seats, the shaman began to call people forward to give them the medicine.

As I waited for my turn - all sense of safety and comfort were now gone from my being, and the knot in my stomach had grown into a gaping pit.

The young Peruvian shaman looked over at me and signalled - it was my turn to approach the altar…

I got up, slowly walked forward, knelt before him and reluctantly stretched out my hands…

I watched as he looked at me curiously as if to size up how big a portion I needed.

After a short stare, he proceeded to fill the cup to the brim and handed it over…

As I took the cup in hand, one word rang through my mind; “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!”

I pinched my nose closed, and like a shot of tequila, I threw back the disgusting black tar-like substance…

Down it went…and soon too was I about to go down with it.

I returned to my seat across the room and with a distinctly foul taste in my mouth, I sat down on my mattress directly across from the shaman.

There were 13 or so people in the Maloka that night, we were all spread out on mattresses about 10 feet apart from each other.

As dusk turned to night, the last of the evening sun pierced through the triangular windows of the Malkoa.

Now it was time to wait.

As darkness descended upon us, the brew started to do its work…

My stomach churned and squirmed, and eventually my head was over a plastic bucket as I began to vomit.

In the first ceremony, the vomiting had felt like a huge release of energy… But this time, all I felt was fear.

As the ayahuasca began to take effect, the fear kept building…

And my mind (clinging on for dear life) began to race faster and faster…

I was clearly distressed, so much so that when I looked up, I saw the shaman standing over me…there was little he could do to help, nor could anyone for that matter…

This fear was taking me somewhere, whether I liked it or not…

Before I knew it my whole body began to shake violently.

I was having the first (and only) panic attack of my life.

I gasped for air and must have been making a distressing noise because the next thing I knew - one of the participants (an American man of about 35) was holding onto me tightly saying “it’s ok, it’s ok - you’re gonna get through this.”

Then, the next thing I remember - He was gone.

The shaman was gone too…

And I was alone again.

Then the screams came…

I began to scream like I’d never screamed before…

It was pure, utter, terror…

And the only way through, was to scream my way through…

This must’ve gone on for some time, and it must’ve created quite the shock for everyone else that night…but in the midst of panic, there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Then - out of nowhere it was as if a tiny little dot appeared in front of me…

There was something about this dot that presented an opening of sorts…

It felt like a window…

And perhaps - it offered a way through…

As I continued screaming at the top of my voice - I began to move THROUGH that little hole - and before I knew it, I was catapulted into some other place all together.

In the flicker of eye my fear had completely and utterly vanished.

And I sat there in awe, wonder and with a feeling of complete safety and calmness.

To this day, I’ve seldom touched a feeling like it.

It was peace, it was home, it was love, and it was incredible…

The place I’d landed was not some far off land, but deep in the reservoirs of my own heart.

Fear